ALL BETS ARE OFF!!!!!!
Sundays filled with swimming, playing hide and seek, reading books, playdough - am I dreaming?
Since January, Sundays have been very different: packing Cannon's bag in preparation of a week or two week stay in the ICU. The thought plaguing my mind the entire day, despite my trying to master the art of 'mind over matter'. I generally failed in my mind most days. That said, my actions are always different. I would embrace the day like it was our last.
Tonight, as I do every night, I went upstairs to check on the boys before I went to bed. The twins are so big it's hard to believe they are 15 months old. It makes me sad how much time I missed with those angels but I'm thankful they have been so loved in my absence.
I went to Cannon's room and he lay there... no monitors on him, no IV , no leg or arm bands, no oxygen, no itching from the drugs, no hives, no pain.... just sleeping and resting after a day full of FUN. I got down on my knees aside him and I prayed. I was taught to not pray for things for myself but to pray to accept God's will. Well, when it comes to my four children, ALL BETS ARE OFF!!! So I pray and I pray HARD that Cannon stays alive and grows into a healthy man. A good man. I pray that the cancer never, ever, ever comes back!!!! EVER! I don't pray for acceptance of God's will for my children. I pray for them to stay alive!
As I sat on my knees over his bed I sobbed quietly, for a second imagining my life without him. How would I just go into the twins' room and check on them and not check on my baby Cannon? In that second I prayed for strength.
Ok, this is hard for me to write but if this blog is to be an honest transcript of this time in our family's journey then I should write it. It's hard not being in the FIGHT! I'm so used to researching, and being in the hospital, living on little sleep and a bad diet while fighting for Cannon's life that it's a strange adjustment being, well... STILL.
I don't do STILL very well.
Part of the FEAR with STILLNESS is that cancer doesn't stop for anyone. Neuroblastoma kills more kids than any other type of cancer and that haunts me day and night. I am thankful that Cannon has been in this world 15 months since he has been diagnosed as many many kids don't make it that long, but that relapse is like a gray cloud coming in and you're waiting for it to storm. As I said - I don't do well with STILL.
So as I lay in my bed tonight I pray to do better in the still and praise that the STORM is OVER. That my son is cancer-free. That my babies are all upstairs. That my husband is healthy. That my daughter is home from camp. That as I go to sleep this Sunday night all my family is happy, healthy and together at home.
I am believing and praying the gray cloud doesn't storm and that it disintegrates and the sun shines on my family everafter.
Written by Mumma-Bear
Cannonball Kids' Cancer
Thankful For The Fight
61 Days Cancer Free
NO relapse EVER