Tomorrow I will watch Cannon have a 3/4 inch needle pierced in his chest and be put to sleep. They will then place him on his stomach and two oncology doctors will stand on either side of him. They will then place their entire body weight on top of a metal rod that is screwed into both of his hips and collect bone to test for cancer. How do I know this? I've watched it too many times to count. I can say this in the absolute - it NEVER gets any easier. The thought of it makes me sick. But I am a MOTHER... so when they ask me "Would I like to wait outside the room?" the answer is "NO, I am HIS mother".
I am a mother who CAN'T UNSEE what I have seen or UNKNOW what I know... nor do I want to.
On Thursday, I will watch Cannon again be put to sleep and moved from table to table while scans of his body from head to toe are done. MIBG and CT to name a few!
Am I naive? I don't see myself that way. That said, I thought this would get easier, that I would know the drill and somehow that would be comforting - yet it's not!
Today I had to step out of my car and fell to the ground. I found myself pleading with God for more time with my Cannonball, I kept repeating "Longer, please!!!" That infamous elephant was on my chest again - I couldn't breathe! I sometimes feel like I'm being prepared for the inevitable. Please know that I don't feel proud saying that and it takes a lot to be honest about that. I heard the doctors when they said "the problem is the cancer comes back", and "more kids die of this type of cancer than any other". Or when I asked would he live the response was "It's going to be a rough road". Well they didn't lie - it's a rough road!!!
Please don't message me and tell me to be thankful he is alive. My ACTIONS, not my words, show my gratitude for my son still being alive and I'm deflating my fears by sharing them!
I can say this - I believe Heaven is REAL. I'm even reading a book titled that. So when I said in previous posts when Cannon was diagnosed that I couldn't live without him - I know now that I WOULD need to - for if my son would be looking down on me from heaven I would do everything to make him proud of me!!! That applies whether he is by my side or not!
I have been having nightmares these past few days and although I for the most part have an ability to stay positive I can't control my dreams. For this control freak that's a little aggravating. :)
On that note my Cannonball took his last two Accutane pills tonight - EVER!!!!! He has officially finished all meds on his protocol!! A HUGE deal!!!
Cannon is like his mumma - he likes to be in control. He takes his meds (4 pills a day) by himself. He places them in his mouth by himself and everything (a far cry from the days of holding him down and forcing them down his throat - yes, I did that for 6 months).
I laugh when he takes the pills from me and takes them himself - internally I think "that's my boy!!!" He is only 2, yet lived through so much!
I am asking for prayers for clear bone marrow and clear scans!!!! NED forever!!!!!
Cannon and all our family are rooting for Netherlands tomorrow - NED NED NED!!! Cannon has his shirt ready!!!
Thank you so much for prayers!
Written by Mumma-Bear
Cannonball Kids' Cancer
Thankful For The Fight
48 Days Cancer Free
NED shirt!!! 48 days NED!!!