As I type I sit in a coffee shop with views of Edinburgh Castle on Princess Street right in the middle of the motherland, my motherland. Bonnie Scotland. The views are just incredible. I worked as lawyer (Solicitor) in this city and when I was making my move to the US I studied for the Bar Exam here. Good times!!!
Michael is officially whooped after I dragged him around the city so he is back at the hotel and Cannon is napping after a day of play with Granny Bel.
It's funny, as a child I always wondered why even when my mother wasn't with us she was always treating us to things, or when she would say she was going shopping for herself and ultimately come back with things for us kids. Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Despite the words of my husband "Go treat yourself, Babe", I ended up in kids' book and toy stores, not to mention the soccer and rugby stripes I purchased for the boys.
Something in YOU changes when you become a mother. I did as soon as I peed on that little stick. (Sorry but it's true.) You are no longer number one or even number two. The funny part is you can't imagine it any other way, nor do you want to.
We had dinner with good friends last night and of course chatted about Cannon's journey and where we see the Foundation going. I'm going to look for some help with the boys so I can truly devote a day or two a week to CKc as opposed to nap time conference calls or bedtime emails, etc. I need to be able to take a break sometime and I want to be full of energy for the boys. I realize now (better late than never) that I am not super woman and I CAN'T do it all. We have a lot of help at CKc but some things just need my or Michael's attention.
I confess, never having been a stay-at-home full time mum that I applaud all who are!! I worked part-time when Cannon was born and I enjoyed that mix of work and home time. Now that the twins are almost 18 months I am ready to work part-time again. I am not ashamed to admit I enjoy working. No mother should be - yet sometimes society says otherwise. Cannon's journey has taught me many things and one is don't COMPARE!!! So I don't (for the most part 😉). Working part-time works for me. It might not for others and that's okay.
I cleaned windows with my dad during school holidays since I was 10 years old and since then I have never not worked until the week after Cannon was diagnosed. I wound down my company and focused on Cannon. Cannon still needs a lot of attention albeit nothing like this past year and a half. Educationally, OT and PT are a part of our future but I will take that any day over stem cell transplant and life support!
Life is almost normal - a new normal.
Being as open and honest as I can I confess I have felt a little depressed lately. I find that extremely hard to type considering where I described I am and how well Cannon is doing. I am being honest as I believe it may help other parents. We get to the end of this crazy journey of every day wondering if our child will live another day, week, month and then we're told he is NED (no evidence of disease), how can we not be grateful? I am, we are! Yet, why don't I feel the same as before he was diagnosed? Why don't I feel that ease and peace of mind I had before Cannon was diagnosed? Why, when I hear or see something sad, do tears roll down my face when for 30 years of my life I've cried but a handful of times? I'm going on and I apologize but life simply isn't the same - I don't know if it ever will be. Michael and I struggle daily with what we know and saw. It's a burden and journey many of you didn't choose to go on yet you went with us - I admire that more than I can say here.
Relapse is a fear that follows me around. It echoes in my head like a bad dream. I wake up in sweats at night wondering if Cannon is alive or not. The pain unbearable. Yet during the fight, the REAL fight I said and say daily, "Thankful For The Fight". How can I be depressed, having bad dreams and be thankful at the same time? But I am!
I know this... and I do this!! I trudge through it for my kids and my husband and the kid who isn't yet diagnosed!!!! Those are who I fight for!!! The ones I believe CKc can truly HELP!!!
I didn't pick this journey.
Nor would I if choice was a factor.
But when life gives you lemons...
Make the best damn lemonade that anyone ever tasted and make everyone want that lemonade!!!
That's what CKc is to me.
It's my chance
To be thankful for the lemons
And make lemonade
Not just any lemonade
The best damn lemonade
I want to help these kids...
My body aches to help them!
Cannon has a 50/50 chance that his neuroblastoma will come back. If it does, they tell us it's a matter of time before he would pass away. Very few kids get through relapse, although many more will with all the amazing therapies that we hope CKc will help make a a reality along with other charities.
If you want to help our Foundation, please purchase our NEW T-shirt. All proceeds will go to CKc for education and research for kids' cancer. They available for 27 more days.
I apologize for the emotional blog, but if this helps one other parent on this journey then it's worth being open and honest to me.
Written by Mumma-Bear
Cannonball Kids' cancer
Thankful For The Fight
104 Days No Evidence of Disease
No Relapse Ever