Today was emotionally a rough one.
It's tough on any parent mentally to restrain their child while something is being done to them. For my husband and myself, we have restrained our Cannonball more times than we care to count.
Last week I had to restrain his arms and body using my arms and legs as they poked him twice for blood work.
Today I had to restrain him the same way as we put buds in his ear to test his hearing. Tears rolling down his face, his face bright red and that look in his eyes like "Why Mum, why?", all the while I'm being strong and firm with him in order to get the test done when really I want to to say "I know this is awful, I know it is" and cry with him and stamp my feet and walk right out of that place and never go back!
I confess, today once I had a minute alone I banged on my steering wheel, laid my head down and cried.
Why does he need to go through all of this?
Why can't he just be playing at the park like other kids today?
The reality hit me that all of our choices have consequences! All of them. When Cannon's protocol said it would leave lifelong scars on him like hearing loss and infertility, at the time you don't have time to think... everything is a live or die choice! Yet, when you're past that point you have all the consequences of this brutal treatment staring you right in the eye. And how does it present itself? In a simple hearing test. In the simple fact that my son doesn't talk.
I'm a positive person.
A happy person.
But sometimes I'm just NOT...
Sometimes it just sucks to be living this life.
And today is that sometimes.
When I go into my son's little classroom and the kids are all talking away despite all of them being younger than him I would love to say EVERY DAY I am okay with that. But I'm not. Sometimes it just plain hurts. For all we want as parents is to protect our kids, yet I feel I failed him! I signed those papers which have made him developmentally different from his peers.
Every choice has a consequence.
I would love to say that when I see newborn babies that I want to hold and love on them like I did before cancer. That would be lie. Sometimes it hurts to see newborns as my memories of giving birth to the twins were to have my husband and my son at the hospital across the street in the ICU fighting to live! And I was robbed of that time with my newborns because I needed to care for my son who was fighting to live!
Every choice has a consequence.
I have no regrets.
I would not change any choice.
But sometimes the consequences hit you like a steam train... just by a simple hearing test.
I apologize for the lack of positivity in this post!
The truth is life is hard.
Life is unfair.
And the truth is it is okay some days to feel that way and speak the truth!
Cannon will begin the process of hearing aids. The next step is insurance and making molds! Pray for my boy! This will not be easy for him as he hates his ears being touched. Pray hard if you will!
I am and continue to be Thankful For The Fight but this is not a journey I would ever want for anyone in this world. It's horrific beyond comprehension.
Written in raw emotion, truth and openness! I hope another parent of any child with ailments gets some reassurance that sometimes it's okay to say "this sucks" because it DOES!
Written by Mumma-Bear
Cannonball Kids' cancer
Thankful For The Fight
239 Days No Evidence of Disease
No Relapse Ever