What I've learned about fear... fear is a choice. It's my choice. My faith isn't less with fear in my life but my comfort is.
It's early here. Dark outside. Grass is dewy. There is something so special about mornings to me. The kids asleep - my husband does his morning prayers in his office and I sit on the front porch. It's just so quiet. The only time in the day it's quiet and peaceful if I'm keeping it real.
As Cannon reached our goal of one year NED - the natural notion should be happiness, joy, excitement. I confess I had times of those, but I also had times of true, intense fear. Several of my friends' kids with neuroblastoma have relapsed at 2 years NED and 18 months NED.
While in the hospital this past week a child relapsed after 4 years NED. So while happiness, joy and excitement are for sure part of my emotions, so is FEAR.
Fear that we have 6 months to a year until be begin relapse treatment. A realistic fear...
One wonders... are we just waiting? Must I embrace every second because when relapse hits it hits hard and you're essentially buying time? I believe there was a time I felt that way. There are times I FEEL that way. But most days... most days I don't ALLOW myself to feel that way.
The good news about feelings? We create them. The bad news? We create them.
It makes me feel that way...
No "IT" doesn't ... "YOU" did. That's what my mentor tells me when I say silly things like "it" makes me feel that way. It's simply not true.
This notion isn't complicated...
It's hard to fathom...
All this time I've had control over how I feel???? Why, yes, yes I have!!!
So with that...
Here is what I've learned about fear.
It's a choice.
It's my choice.
So as I fear relapse and have a pit in my stomach of late, I have to step away from fear and into my faith. I don't believe my faith is less if I have fear but I believe the comfort from my faith is less when I have fear.
Today Cannon and the twins and I headed to speech at 8am. Oh, trust me, everything is done the night before... from breakfast to clothes laid out to lunches made and packed for the park. Otherwise I could never leave the house before 11am. The twins do so well. They listen and watch Cannon and play in the corner with toys. I skipped OT today as Cannon just isn't up to it. He didn't do great in speech - we could tell he wasn't himself.
I took all the boys to this shaded park. On the drive, Cannon sat with his head tilted, the very same tilt he did all thru treatment. So lethargic. I hoped for the best and kept driving to the park. I unpacked the triple stroller, toys, a cooler with lunch and I was ready. Within 5 minutes Cannon asked to go home. He wouldn't play. He sat on the swing a little and then in the stroller as his brothers played.
You want to talk about memory lane? Wow....
It's been a really long time since I saw Cannon this way. Really long.
He remains super emotional. Crying whenever I am not in plain sight - even if he is with his father.
No fever. But no poops either. I gave him Miralax today and we will see if that does anything. His appetite is minimal. He is drinking lots of fluids. I remember the days when my sister and I would walk around the house with a syringe trying to get 5ml of liquid in him and I never want to go back there!! Never!!
So many emotions right now.
It's been a challenging day. I look forward to my husband coming home so his fun energy can revitalize Cannon and we see poop, no fever and eating.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
As for CKc, we are working on the book tour which will be August - December.
If you know of anyone you think should read the book who could potentially raise awareness to it via media like TV or newspapers please do let us know. All proceeds will go to pediatric cancer research.
Thank you to all the Warriors who think and pray for my Cannonball daily.
I continue to be
Thankful For The Fight
Purchase our Book - Thankful For The Fight - all proceeds to research
Make a donation to our pediatric cancer research projects
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Written by Mumma-Bear
Cannonball Kids' cancer
Thankful For The Fight
1 year 6 days No Evidence of Disease
No Relapse Ever