"Be positive or be quiet." I read that recently and thought, "Wow, that's an awesome way to live!" I strive for this!
So many emotions are in my head. How therapeutic to get them out. I apologize if this is waffled, bear with me!!
Of course, the reality of what may happen this week is life changing for Cannonball and our family. No family wants to battle any type of cancer twice or another cancer. I think of Ethan who is in that situation. I think of Ava and how she is fighting the neuroblastoma beast again.
I think of the funeral I just attended of little Johnny!!! 16 months old - taken by neuroblastoma! I saw him in his coffin and then be placed in the ground! The images ingrained in my brain! I promised his dad I would never stop fighting! I don't plan on breaking that promise!
I especially think of Oscar who I pray for daily. He called me to tell me he beat cancer! I was there when he told me his eye hurt which was how cancer started and also where it came back. That was the last time I ever saw Oscar, the last time Cannon hugged him. The last time Oscar said "Love you Cannon". So yes, the reality scares me. I say life without Cannon is not an option but the truth is, so much is out of my control!!! For this control freak that's rough. So I control what I can. Getting Cannon the scans he needed ASAP! That I can control!!
Since I have been so confident that Cannon is NED for life I know oh-so-little about relapse treatments. What I know is that there is no protocol. There are lots of chemo trials and vaccine trials. All of them trials! Our kids are like mice on trial - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't! They are all designed for adults, not kids! I have not attended conferences on relapse. Instead, I started our foundation, wrote a book, helped raise $100k for research! I didn't want to know about relapse! In my mind no such thing existed. Not for Cannonball... not for my baby!! Now I ask myself, "Am I naive? Was I irresponsible?" The hard part? The truth? I STILL can't research relapse material! I still can't face the Google button! I just know and have known so many that have died from relapse! I can't stomach it, I just can't! I have told myself that there is no relapse and that Cannon is NED for life. That our family is committed to raising funds for research, not a life of fighting relapse!!!
The truth is, I would be dumbfounded if Cannon has relapsed. Why? I have said it! I have believed it! I believe he is NED for life! Sadly, that's what all parents say. It's what WE all believe!! So I do wonder... am I naive? Or is it just my faithfulness that Cannon is NED for life?
On one hand the reality of what relapse means is so terrifying that I can't fathom it!! To see Cannon sick again, unhappy again. To relive it all. And for what? A chance of survival? If he is one of the lucky ones? I'm not being pessimistic but the stats are terrible. Are they better than a few years ago? Sure, but not where you want your kid! The statistics of relapsing time after time again are so common. Many relapse until their bodies can't take it anymore!
On the other hand, I know if this scan shows anything that Michael and I will find Cannon the best treatment in the world and we will sell our home if we need to! I would... we would... do anything for him! For any of our kids!
It is very possible this a virus. That Cannon is just having a hard time fighting it and that it's causing limping since he has toxicity in his hips!!! I say that and I wonder if that is just what I want to believe! Well, either way, it's what I am choosing to believe until such time as I am shown on the scans anything any different!
It's MY choice
Turn scars into stars
Pain to gain
Gloom to bloom
Bitterness to betterness
Victim to victor
Test into testimony
Mess into message
I am so cheesy... I know! Can you tell book two is a devotional/ motivational book? One page for each day of the year. I'm working hard on it. Everyday, actually. Sorry, I digress.
So you heard it here first:
Cannon remains NED!!
No relapse ever!!
This is a virus!!!
I'm still playing Rachel Platten - "Fight Song". Today I sent her our book "Thankful For The Fight". I wanted her to know how much her song has helped me these past few days.
While you pray for Cannonball, please can I ask for you to pray for my husband? He is in trial and is working 20 hours a day. Bless him! He is such a hard worker for our family!! It is because of what he does that we can fly up last-minute to Michigan and sort this out. Not all families have that opportunity and I'm very thankful and grateful and never, ever take it for granted!
Thank you to all the Warriors who think of and pray for my Cannonball daily.
I continue to be
Thankful For The Fight
Purchase our Book - "Thankful For The Fight" - all proceeds to research
Make a donation to our pediatric cancer research projects
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Written by Mumma-Bear
Cannonball Kids' cancer
Thankful For The Fight
1 year 28 days No Evidence of Disease
No Relapse Ever