Today Was The Hardest Day Of My Life...


Today two years ago...

A 13 hour surgery and 5 days on life support it was time to try again. Time to try and remove the ventilator again. Previous times had failed and he wasn't able to breathe without the machine.

He wasn't even two years old yet. A machine was keeping him alive.

My husband and mother were with our newborn twins and I was alone with Cannon in the ICU. 

The hardest day of my life was watching him look in my eyes gasping for air unable to breathe, while what felt like an army of nurses and doctors invaded his room. They pushed me to the side to get to Cannon. I was entirely helpless. 

I thought my baby was dying right before my eyes. That these were his last breaths and my husband and mum weren't here. 

I've never been so terrified and I pray I never am again.

Cannon was able to breathe but couldn't look or focus on anything or anyone. He acted like he had brain damage. For five days I waited to see his eyes open... the longest five of my life, only leaving him to breastfeed the twins in the hall and give them back to my mother. I don't feel very motherly saying this but the twins felt like a burden. It felt like they just kept me away from Cannon and he was all I could think of or focus on. Not quite the newborn stage we mums dream of. Sad, but true. 

This day two years ago was the worst of my life. No day has even come close. Not even close!

So this week as my sister goes back to Scotland with a year to wait to see her, as I watch my daughter go to college and as I prepare for Cannon having his port removed with a 5:30am wake up call and no eating or drinking, putting him to sleep and recovery time - I give myself a hot cup of shut up (you know how I like those), that no matter how hard or emotional my day is (relatively speaking), it can never be what it was this day two years ago.

I don't believe that reliving or rehearsing past sorrows is good for us, I really don't. But there are instances where when I feel a little sad about the change in our life that I pull myself together by living in that past moment just for a moment. Perhaps my thinking on that will change, someday, but for today it's where I am. And that's okay. 

August 7, 2015 looks very different for Cannon. His port is being removed and he will move to IV access instead. This is the goal for kids like Cannon - this is one step closer for him. One more year of his low dose chemo and he is done. It's been a long road but he is kicking butt right now. I'm so proud of him. 

I am 

I continue to be

Thankful For The Fight

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Written by Mumma-Bear

Cannonball Kids' cancer

Thankful For The Fight

Pray Hard

Pray Big 

1 year and 3 months No Evidence of Disease

No Relapse Ever